SF Sketchfest Review: The Benson Movie Interruption: “Twilight: New Moon” on 2/8/2014

Okay, truth: almost exactly a year ago, I saw Doug Benson and a bunch of other funny dudes trash talk their way through the first Twilight movie, and haven’t stopped snickering about it since. While Sketchfest is one of our favorite times of year at Spinning Platters, regardless of which specific shows pop up on the yearly schedules, I secretly hoped all year long that the success of last year’s Benson Movie Interruption might become a yearly thing that would carry me through all five terrible films in the the Twilight “saga.” So imagine the joy I felt when this year’s Sketchfest schedule was released, and there it was: The Benson Movie Interruption: Twilight: New Moon! I sent my request in immediately, along with a note to my managing editor that basically said it was the one event I had to cover, even if it meant skipping new events I really wanted to check out. Thankfully, not only did I get access to see Doug and other funnies again this year, but I didn’t have to sacrifice lots of other chances to giggle! And for those that don’t know: whether you love Twilight or hate it, as long as you have a sense of humor, this is something you should plan on attending in the years that follow (there are still three films left in Doug’s series). There is no better way to spend an afternoon, especially a rainy Saturday as was the case this year, than in a room full of people watching a truly awful movie, with many a funny man talking shit over it all. Trust me, it’s wonderful. And I already can’t wait to do it again next year…

After scoring a parking spot on the street directly across from the Castro Theatre, waiting in an insanely long (but mercifully quick-moving) line for the ladies’ room, and finally settling into a comfy seat in the back, next to a sweet lady named Val and her hubby, I was ready for the fun to begin. Just as the last time I was in this theatre, a few weeks ago for the 10th anniversary screening of Napoleon Dynamite with Jon Heder, the screening began with an ancient trailer for Revenge of the Nerds, a tie-in for the 30th anniversary celebration this year. After that, Benson was introduced, quickly saying that by showing up today, we had asked for more of what he’d given us the previous year. “Don’t blame me about this movie being longer and boringer!” He went on to admit how many wonderful classic movies have been show at the Castro, “and then I do this…” After bringing a raucous round of cheers from the crowd by calling it the “second annual” Twilight edition of the Movie Interruption at Sketchfest, Benson added, “don’t think I’m not gonna do all five!”

“Who here loves Twilight?” Benson asked. There were a few brave souls that shouted out in response, which made the rest of us laugh. “It’s okay,” Benson assured them. “There’s something for everybody, everybody loves something…” After introducing his “fellow interrupters” Tom Lennon, Paul Scheer, Rob Huebel, and Chris Hardwick, they briefly lamented having beer/cupholder issues (sadly, the cupholders at the Castro are too big to hold a beer, and those that try will lose half their beer all over the floor when it falls through). Before the film began, I realized one caveat would make this year’s edition more difficult than last year’s: I of course wouldn’t be able to see them in the dark, and I wouldn’t know whose voice was whose. As a result, my recap/review will consist of a lot of one-liners, but you’ll get the idea, anyway. Benson said that he would have time to take mushrooms, for them to wear off, and the ridiculously long movie would still be going. Hardwick added that he could “have time to fly to LA, punch Taylor Lautner, and still get back before it’s over” before admitting that he hadn’t seen the movie because of all the terrible CGI.

Scheer, who was very upset to discover they would not be sitting in “the Lincoln booths,” suggested they should have the Muppets do a Benson Interruption. Hardwick wondered aloud whether everyone in attendance had seen the Twilight movies, and Benson suggested, “the ladies have seen them!” (It bothered me that I couldn’t take issue with that comment, but I consoled myself with hating them.) When the comedians discovered an 8 year-old in the crowd, they checked first to make sure he wasn’t a hostage. “Just blink if you’re a hostage!” Commenting that he shouldn’t even be able to see a PG-13 rated film, they apologized in advance for “the bad words,” and then Benson said, “I’m more sorry he’s being subjected to Twilight! Just before the movie began, Benson proclaimed that they were “almost shitting on the majesty of this theatre!” and then gave Hardwick a recap of the first film: “Bella wants Edward to turn her into a vampire so they can be happy, but he doesn’t want to do it. Here we go!” As the moon appeared on the screen with the title image, someone declared, “spoiler alert!”
“Wait’ll you see the eclipse in the next one!”
“The guy behind me just said, ‘Jesus, mushrooms would have been good…'”
“‘Dear 8 year old…'”

On the first glimpse of Robert Pattinson, someone said, “That’s Twilight, right?”
“His name is not Twilight!”
“He’s just on a break from working at the Haunted Mansion.”
“We need to pace ourselves!”
As Bella dreams of her future, aged self: “Old Kristen Stewart is still hot.”
When she opens birthday presents from Charlie: “It’s a book on acting!”

As Bella goes to school: “If you’re wondering why there’s no black people, it’s Oregon.”
“Is this a high school for twenty-six year-olds?”
“She goes to dumb school.”
While someone brought up that the movie may have been “sponsored by Volvo or some shit,” someone else brought up what would become a theme, impersonating Stewart: “ohhh, I just want to fuck the director!”
“You gotta be fucking kidding me! No cool dude drives a minivan!”
As Bella and Edward almost kiss: “Boner time! You know what I’m talking about, eight year old!”
“There are still two hours and twenty-five minutes to go!”
On the first appearance of Taylor Lautner, in his hideous long wig: “Lorenzo Llamas as Jacob!”
When Jacob gives Bella a dreamcatcher for her birthday: “It’s a dreamcatcher for people with really small dreams.”
When someone joked that Lautner was some kind of Frankenstein, someone else suggested he was “put together with body parts of former Disney kids. He has the forehead of Melissa Joan Hart, but there’s some Kenan from Kenan and Kel, too.”

On Ashley Greene’s first shot, one said she looked “like anime” while someone else joked “I wish you could tell who the vampires were!”
“Is this movie sponsored by Ambien!?” That would become a theme of the day, too, eventually.
“Why is Cedric Diggory talking to that bored girl?” (That was Hardwick.)
“Ask your doctor if Ambien is right for you!”
At school, Edward recites lines from Romeo & Juliet, and just as he finishes, someone perfectly timed a fart noise. “The eight year old just went wild!”

During the scene where the Cullens throw Bella a little party for her birthday, her papercut bleeds, inciting panic. (Side note: do papercuts bleed, like, ever? It seems a little far fetched, even for Meyer.) As it splashes to the carpet, comments from the comics abounded: “who wants some of that?”
“I got my period!”
And of course, jokes about “carpet munching.”
“I just wanna clean it up!”
When someone started singing “Happy Birthday,” someone else suggested that the whole party was akin to taking a “pizza to a weight watchers meeting.”

In the next scene, someone mocked the director, “Kristen, you can just go home today, if you’re not even gonna try.”
“I’m acting, guys!”
“For breakfast, we had NyQuil pancakes!”
Bella tells Edward, “at some point, something’s gonna separate us.” Perfect timing, someone suggested: “like the director of this movie!”
“It wasn’t this movie, but it’s still funny.”
Joking about how Pattinson and Stewart never seem to connect or even make eye contact, someone said, “fun fact: these two met during the fourth installment of the series!”
After a “booooiiing!” sound, someone sang, “vampire hand job!”
Awkwardly, the conversation between Edward and Bella moves (for no apparent reason) to the forest. “This is like aliens made a movie about how they think humans interact.”
“I’d love to see the story board: ‘duuuhhhhhh….'”
“This entire script is four pages long.”
“Whatever you do, don’t say your line right away. Take a beat, then take another beat. Lay down, take another beat…”
“That nose flare is the most work she’s done so far!”
“If we really wanted this to be funny, we wouldn’t say anything…”

During the scene after Edward leaves Bella: “how many puppeteers operate her? It’s a bunch, right?”
“Quite a few.”
“I’m dressed like Paddington Bear! The end.”
“I’d pay money for Bigfoot to walk through the background. ‘Fuck it, I’m getting out of here!'”
Someone said something about an “Amber alert” while someone else made an impressive wookie noise.
Suggesting that “this movie is racist toward Native Americans,” they poked fun at “bizarro Tom Skerritt” (Billy Burke) and “Lautner nipples,” which we certainly did see a lot of.
“The Sheriff has some questions for you, shirtless guy.”
“I swear, I did not rape this girl.”
“Let’s take turns hugging her!”
There’s a scene where Bella sits in a chair, staring out her bedroom window. The caption: October. “This is masterful directing. Can we skip to Christmas at least?” Right on cue, another caption: November.
“I hope she’s watching at midnight!”
“Ambien has some serious side effects.” Predictably, caption number three: December.
“She should use the toilet, at least!”

When Bella’s nightmares wake her up, screaming, “everyone knows month four of a breakup is when it gets really bad.”
Charlie is, for some reason, sleeping on the couch when Bella’s screaming wakes him. “He’s down there to get away from his screaming daughter!”
“They couldn’t think of any other months. ‘We got October, November, December… we got all the ‘bers!'”
When Charlie and Bella interact, someone said, “I want them to kiss, is that wrong?”
“Let me give you a mustache ride to school!”
“Has Tom Skerritt sued this dude?”
Bella drives off: “no seatbelt. Interesting.”
Bella and Jessica go out: “Mmmmmmake out!”
“I feel like Anna Kendrick has done more acting and a better job in two seconds…”
When Bella sees Edward in a flashback and then sees a vision of him warning her to stay away from danger, one of the guys said “Obi Wan!” while someone else sang a bit of Rockwell/Michael Jackson’s “Somebody’s Watching Me.”
As Bella approaches a random guy on a motorcycle, Jessica protests. “I think he tried to rape me in the first movie. It’s cool.”
Hardwick, when another vision of Edward appears to Bella: “So, apparently they just apparate any time they feel like?”
Bella cries “stop, stop, stop!” during the motorcycle ride: “we need helmets!”
Bella’s actual line: “Maybe I’m crazy now. That’s ok.” “Did you just hear that line!?”
“Twilight: it’s like Harry Potter for the Kardashians.”
On a shot of Lautner: “Khloe did a great job in the movie!”
“Do you think they did a screen test of Taylor Lautner’s wig?”

Someone has no idea what’s going on in the movie. The explanation was that Edward is gone, except for when he appears as a “weird, whiny fog.”
“This movie is a commercial for abstinence.”
“It would be really funny if he pulled the wig off, wiped his brow with it, and put it back on!”
“Wanna take some ProActiv and get fucked up?”
“This is the gayest movie that’s ever been shown in the Castro!” Perfectly timed, boy on boy wrestling begins in Jacob’s garage. “We have a winner!”
Jacob’s friends vanish: “did he eat them? Where’d they go?”
On a shot of Lautner and Stewart: “From behind, you’d probably think, ‘helllllloooo, ladies!’ And from the front you’d think, ‘helllllloooo, ladies!’ Except Taylor’s got way better boobs…”

Bella wakes screaming, again. “I don’t get why she’s yelling in her sleep.” (Does anyone? Sad, I get. Screaming, not so much.)
“Tom Skerritt called today. Legally I have to take the mustache off.”
“The test came back: it’s fake.”
“That dreamcatcher doesn’t work! Do you have a receipt for that? Maybe you can get store credit.”
“The qualifications most actors in this movie had is a Canadian passport. Wear a wig, fall asleep on cue… like earth tones… listen to grunge music…”
Bella and Jacob in her truck: “Back with more of androgyny truck!”
“Riding in cars with bad actors!”
Bella discovers Jacob’s friends cliff diving. “Shirtless murder?”
“You’re not as shirtless as the rest of us!”
“I wish Rodney Dangerfield was there to show them all up.”
“Triple lindy!”
“The natural habitat for wolves is water, apparently.”
“The post production for this was done on a commodore!”
“Everything looks like it’s shot on a green screen background.”

When Bella and Jacob ride their motorcycles: “did they pin the wig extra hard today?”
“I just noticed, he has no facial hair; all that hair is on his head!”
Bella falls, cracks her head, bleeds. “My head got its period again today. But there are no vampires around.”
Jacob takes his shirt off and all five comedians mocked his machismo, so I couldn’t even get their jokes down before the scene changed.
Bella talks to Mike about seeing a movie. “Hi, I’m young Matt Perry.”
“Did she just say an action movie is called ‘Face Punch?'”
“I would totally go see a movie called Face Punch! I would not see a movie called Love Spelled Backwards is Love.”
While they joked about the poster for Face Punch and it’s over-the-top creative tag line: Let’s Do This, I wished I had the extra microphone they’d mentioned before the movie began, if only because I really wanted someone to point out that love spelled backwards is evil. (I know, evol. You get the gist.)
Mike is apparently so grossed out by the gore of the movie that he runs out to vomit. “Let’s all go wait in the lobby for the guy who threw up for no reason!”
“If you’re keeping track, there is still two hours and twenty minutes left.”
“The wig team is gonna be here after the movie for a Q&A. ‘Taylor’s wig was tough. I’d never worked in costumes before. I worked at Subway…'”
“Eight year old, how you doing? You ever tried beer?”
“It’s definitely not the weirdest thing he’ll experience today…”
“This was the day the whole crew went home. They just left the camera on.”
“‘Jake, Jake, calm your abs!'”
“The premise is, they’re werewolves and vampires who never do any of the stuff they’re supposed to do…”

“I don’t know what month it is!”
On the first glimpse of shirtless, short-haired Jacob: “Whoa!”
“Booooooiiiiinnnnng!”
“Where the fuck is that wig?”
“This whole movie could have been something they said at the beginning of the next one.”
Bella asks Jacob if he cut his hair off. “It was a wig!”
“It’s hard to act in the rain!”
“Is that a zit or a nipple? It’s a zipple. Pop it! Pop it!”
Steam comes off of Jacob in the rain. “This movie won the Colgate Strips award.”
“And now the eight year old knows where babies come from. Rain. Anger in the rain.”

A jump cut to a flashback of Bella and Edward lying in the meadow. “This miniature golf course is exhausting. There are too many holes.”
“What’s my motivation for this scene? ‘Just look like you’re looking for somewhere to shit.'”
Laurent appears, shirtless under a jacket. “What’s going on, the only black guy in Portland?”
He asks if the Cullens visit often. “Have they seen my shirt? This is a normal suit, except I don’t have a shirt.”

Sadly, at this point, I had to duck out of the theatre and across the street to feed the meter, but when I returned, Val assured me I hadn’t missed much. When I sat back down, Jacob and Bella were hugging. Bella confronts the wolfy guys. “Why is he wearing a shirt?”
When Jacob transforms: “Meeeeooooowwww!”
“Kiss kiss kiss kiss wolf fight!”
“Did he really just say ‘the wolf’s outta the bag?!'”
A shirtless shot of two wolf guys. “By the way, we don’t all have amazing abs… Some of us drink too much beer.”
They pass around enormous muffins. “These are the guys who eat carbs! They only eat things that are as giant as their heads.”
“No wonder they don’t all have great abs!”
After some jokes about the “shirtless wolf muffin party,” someone lamented that once again, we didn’t know what month it is.
“Again, we are only five minutes into this movie…”

Lautner speaks: “does he take helium right before each take?”
Bella discovers that Victoria is after her. “Is this the first plot point?!” (That got a lot of applause, because it’s true. At least an hour into the movie, and there’s actually something happening other than bad dialogue, Kristen Stewart blinking and sighing awkwardly, and lots of random shirtlessness from barely post-pubescent boys.)
A shot of Victoria: “Oh, it’s the chick from Brave!”
“They put her in to appease the eight year olds.”
During the scene where the werewolves chase Victoria, no one talked. “Why are we so invested in this scene?”
Victoria escapes into the water. “The wolves can’t jump in when they’re a wolf? ‘Dammit, I wish I was a person right now! I can’t jump in like I do every day with my friends…'”
Bella goes cliff diving. “Why is the music so triumphant?”
“Mother Nature!”
“It’s like the person scoring this movie didn’t know what happened next.”
Someone began singing a little of “Under the Sea” from The Little Mermaid while Bella sees a vision of Edward and the music crescendos. “Oh, fuck you, Twilight!”

“Their clothes explode, but they always find pants?”
“They leave piles of jean cutoffs in the forest for when they need them.”
“Like GPS tracking, you have it in your phone. You always know where they are.”
“The young lady behind me said in the books they do have clothes hidden in the forest.”
Benson forgot Lautner’s character’s name, choosing instead to call him “Wolfie.”
Bella and Jacob almost kiss, but don’t, giving someone a perfect opportunity for yet another fart noise.
“If you find a pair of shorts in the forest, they’re mine!”
Alice appears in Bella’s house. “Who’s that bitch?”
“Oh, this is the day they didn’t give Kristen Stewart a script! Every scene is like a surprise party!”
Bella and Alice talk about her cliff diving. “I’m dating a werewolf and a vampire. I thought I could find myself a fish person!”
Bella explains she was doing it for fun, everyone poked fun at the choice of word “recreationally.”
“The first vampire back in the movie in an hour and ten minutes and they’re having tea!”
“Time check: four hours left. Be aware that when the movie ends it will be nine AM on Monday. Right now it’s four PM on Sunday.”
“This movie made two hundred and ninety-six million dollars, and cost fifty million. Most of that was spent on the wig. It made four hundred and thirteen million overseas.”
Once again, another kiss is interrupted, this time by the phone. Inexplicably, Jacob answers. One of the guys had gone (to use the restroom/et beer/smoke/?) and asked upon his return, “what happened while I was gone?”
“Not a single fucking thing.”

Alice tells Bella that Edward thinks she’s dead, and wants to die too: “Recreationally.”
“These people have aged like two years in this movie.”
Bella and Alice fly to Italy. “Face Punch is the in-flight movie.”
“They’re flying Virgin America to Europe? Just added, service to Forks, Oregon!”
Edward approaches the Volturi: “I’m here to apply for a Target credit card.”
“And they don’t take American Express!”
“Could someone wake up Mr. Pattinson?”
“It’s not in his contract. He’s allowed to sleep through the series.”
Bella and Alice drive toward the Volturi, Alice’s head covered by a scarf. “Now we’re in the 50s! Is she supposed to be Audrey Hepburn?”
Everyone in the Volturi town is covered in red from head to foot. “This is the worst running of the bulls ever!”
“‘Where do I go?’ ‘Go into that scary vampire chapel!’ ‘Ok, great, thanks bye!'”
Edward starts to unbutton his shirt. “I would give a million dollars if anyone could tell me what’s happening here. A fucking million dollars. Eight year old kid?”
“He’s sixteen now.”
Edward and Bella are reunited. “He finally got her back because he discovered the secret is to have no shirt on.”
“There’s a Q&A after the movie with the Village People and Tayler Lautner’s wig. It’s mandatory. A nine hour Q&A. Four or five of you will die of old age. Hope you left your next of kin with theatre staff.”
“I haven’t heard any of the lines of the movie. I realize, you don’t need to.”
“That’s why it was a big hit overseas!”

“The Twilight saga: the story of people almost having sex.”
Jane appears at the Volturi’s: “Don’t fuck with Fannings!”
“Put this on, your abs aren’t that amazing.” (Edward puts a robe on to hide his naked chest as Jane escorts them to the Volturi.)
“I told my trainer I wanted Coldplay abs!”
After lots of jokes about red eyed vampires who got pink eye from “touching poop and then touching my eyes,” someone commented on the “vampires’ secretary” and Michael Sheen appears in all his ironic vampiric glory.
“I’m so excited because I worked two days on this film. I make residuals that would make your head pop off!”
“Would you like a Target credit card?”
“Let me tell you about our spa services.”
“People think I’m Alan Cummings. I’m not.”
“All these people are making John Travolta’s hair look legit!”
“By taking this part, Michael Sheen is out-James-Franco-ing James Franco.”
Someone kept up a fantastic little theme throughout the scene that Sheen continued to forget his line, as his character looks to the side frequently. “Line.” “Line.” “Sorry, line.” (Brilliant.)
Sheen laughs. “I get paid so much! All I have to do is wear Taylor Lautner’s wig? Can you edit the red eyes in in post?”
One of the Volturi’s goons beats Edward up, slamming his head so hard into the marble floor that both the floor and his face crack, though his face “heals” quickly. “You cracked my face!”
The fight scene is unnecessarily loud. “Can we turn it down?”
“Can we turn it off?”
“The way to kill a vampire is kung fu!”
Bella asks to be killed instead. “I volunteer as tribute!” (I believe that was my favorite moment of the entire commentary. That’s good shit.)
Aro views Bella and Edward’s future via Alice; he sees them running through the forest, dressed nicely. “Into the Woods, the musical!”
“Edelweiss, edelweiss…”
Bella wakes with a start. “It was all a dream.”
“She dreamed all that and the Newhart show.”
“Please just bite her and roll the credits.”
“He won’t bite her unless she marries him first.”
Hardwick: “are you fucking kidding me?”
“That doesn’t even happen for a whole other movie. And we’re gonna watch them year after year…” (Yay!)
Bella and Edward talk, but he speaks so softly it’s nearly impossible to hear. They kiss. “Slow down, slow down… You don’t want him to kill-fuck you.”
“This movie is the actual length of time in a vampire weekend.”
“They actually get better slash worse. The last one’s my favorite, but that’s like saying of all the shits I’ve taken…”
“You’ve still got more to say? Save it for the next film!”
“Did the first editor teach his child to edit for this one?”
“No, the eight year old is the editor.”

“Can somebody bite someone or fuck somebody?” Jacob appears in the street.
“Oh, good Lord. It’s not another fucking summit.”
“Hold me closer, tiny nipples…”
“Come on guys, let’s put away our differences and bounce some quarters off this shit.”
“Most treaties are not spoken of while shirtless.”
“If they put shorts in the woods, why not leave a shirt, too?”
“‘Hey Bella, I’m glad somebody got my old wig!'”
“My tattoo says ‘one who’s in bad movies.'”
Bella tells them they can’t hurt each other without hurting her. Jacob leaves: “gotta go find a pair of shorts, guys. See ya later. I’ll be back next movie, after I sleep for four months.”
“Werewolves don’t wear shirts, vampires layer.”
“Is that why the one black vampire was mad, because they stole his shirt?”
“I know how we can keep the budget down, rent the woods!”

Then, abruptly, the end credits began to roll.
“What? Oh, it’s over!”
While I would have loved to have stayed and made sure I wasn’t missing a single second of the funny I love and wait all year for, I had to get across town for another show I already knew I’d be late to. And so, like me, you’ll just have to wait till next year for more of this trash-talking Twilight goodness!