The seven things you want and need to know about Furious 7 before you go see it.
Sometimes you’ll hear people talk about a movie as being review-proof. This is one of those times. There’s nothing anyone could do or say to keep you away from Furious 7 if it’s something you already want to see. And if you don’t care, there’s nothing I could say to make you care. So what’s the point? I could tell you it’s a rollicking good time for most of its length, and then it devolves into some pretty dumb stuff, too dumb even for itself. It’s basically a bunch of video game levels with some unskippable cut scenes that you wish you could skip.
1. Will I be able to tell the difference between Paul Walker and the CGI Ghost of Paul Walker?
You’ll be hard pressed to do so. Other than one scene on a beach where things don’t look quite right, you won’t know. I’m sure some behind-the-scenes stuff will come out, but watching it seems like a cheat. Just let the movie magic take over!
2. Tony Jaa is in this movie? Tony Jaa is in this movie!
Seeing Ong Bak with Tony Jaa and his stunt team in the audience, followed by a live on-stage demonstration of some scenes from the movie was an amazing experience, and ever since then, I’ve been waiting for Tony Jaa to become the international superstar he deserves to be. This movie won’t make it happen, but there is one stunt involving a door and a staircase that’s worthy of his talents. More Tony Jaa please.
3. Can cars fly?
Cars can’t fly, but you may believe they can. The much talked about shot from the trailer with a car leaping between buildings is thrilling in design and execution. Not sure why they needed to destroy a bunch of priceless artifacts, though. The Terracotta Warriors deserve better.
4. You’re going to do what with that car?
We’re going to drop it out of an airplane, and then drive it down some mountains. It’ll be fine! Just a quick stretch and we’re back in action. You’re going to need your entire powers of suspension of disbelief to get through this movie in one piece. Just go with it.
5. Dom Torretto doesn’t have friends. He has family.
We’re constantly bombarded with story in between these ridiculous action set pieces, and although the film series has constantly relied on the cheesy serious aphorisms of Dominic Toretto, the typically Dom stuff feels oddly out of place here. He truly acts like he’s the only one who thinks this way — everyone else seems much more chill about it all. I can imagine Tyrese and Ludacris hanging out, making fun of Dom for being so gosh darned serious all the time. Lighten up, Dom! Make some friends or something.
6. The STATH (How are you supposed to spell that?)
The opening scene of this movie is a glorious piece of Stathism. It unfolds in a way that lets you know you are watching a ridiculous movie that is not going to take this character seriously. And you couldn’t possibly. The guy just shows up everywhere. The basic plot of the movie involves the team finding a device that will help them hunt him, but why bother hunting him? He’s just going to show up in increasingly impossible ways. Hang out for a minute; he’ll be there. He’s the best. Put Statham in everything.
7. Am I gonna cry at the end?
Heck yes.
Furious 7 is playing everywhere, now, and every 20 minutes for the next couple of weeks. What are you waiting for?
