Sketchfest Review: Benson Movie Interruption: Twilight – Breaking Dawn Pt. 1, 2/8/15

by Stacy Scales on February 13, 2015

I'm gonna miss these.  Fifty Shades next, mayhaps?

I’m gonna miss these. Fifty Shades next, mayhaps?

Would you judge me if I admit that I look forward to The Doug Benson Movie Interruption every year, because the only thing better than trash-talking your way through terrible movies is hearing some fantastically funny comedians do it for you? I admit, I always want a microphone, and maybe someday they’ll give me one, but until then, I amuse myself by typing the occasional wit into my notes so I can feel as if I’m participating silently. This was the case last Saturday afternoon as I witnessed what turned out to (accidentally) be the last of my coverage of Doug Benson‘s Sketchfest coverage of the terrifically terrible Twilight Saga at the Castro Theatre.

Two years ago I’d showed up to laugh my way through the first Twilight movie, and then last year again for New Moon. The chance to see Eclipse slipped through my fingers because I didn’t know there was a summer Sketchfest session, but Marie was there, so at least somebody covered it. And that brings us to Breaking Dawn, Part 1, the fourth of five movies.

When I arrived at the venue, I had plenty of time. I stood in what was literally the longest line I’ve ever seen (wrapping all the way around a sizeable block), people as far as the eye could see choking on their clouds of weed as a genius mom and her Girl Scout hawked box upon box of cookies to a stoner crowd waiting to watch one of the worst films ever made. I knew it was going to be a great day. At 4:19, I took my seat: perfect. Not long after, Mr. Benson himself was introduced. “Thank you for packin’ it in for what might be the worst movie-going experience of all your GD life! I can’t believe I can make up something like this, and then make all of you do it with me!” He mentioned that he’d seen this fourth movie before, but “always in this context of with a microphone, and being able to say whatever I want.” He added that it was definitely the “craziest Twilight movie, and also the most insanely boring,” before going on to say that he’d invited five people to interrupt with him, because there were lots of funny people in town and “also there’s so much downtime” (in the movie). “This motion picture grossed a lot of money for how much happens! Except for the end… That is the grossest thing to ever happen in a movie, including the guy getting his heart ripped out in Indiana Jones.”

Note:As is important every year, I have to state right now that this is a difficult show to cover, because not only am I typically sitting far from the comics, it’s also pretty dark and I’m watching the screen, not them. I do my best to keep track of who’s who when I can, and two or three voices are easy, but forgive me if a lot of the punch lines are uncredited or, God forbid, incorrect. If you catch one you know to be wrong, let me know. Oh, and this likely goes without saying, but this post is NSFC & other sensitive type folk…readers beware. Thanks!

Benson began by introducing fellow interrupters, starting with Nerdist Chris Hardwick, who had yet to arrive. Also participating was Rory Scovel, who had interrupted Breaking Dawn, Part 2, but hadn’t yet seen the first half. “Wait, we’re not interrupting Breaking Bad?!” Other interrupters were Steve Agee, Matt Kirshen (a “comedy treasure of the UK”), and the fantastic and fabulous Arden Myrin (yay! I know when the voice is a girl!) Hardwick showed up as : “the last movie was a lot of weird supernatural politics, and not much else.”
“We have a treaty, and some growling…”
Benson: “You’re in for a treat this time! There’s a wedding, and a honeymoon, and something else very special…”
Hardwick explained that the reason he was because of the set-ups for another show he’s involved with (Bring the Rock, to be exact). As I settled in, I repeatedly tried to clean my foggy glasses before taking them off to realize that no, they weren’t smudged or dirty – the fog was coming from inside the house! Of course.
Kirshen: “anything we need to know?” Benson quickly replied, “no. Your confusion will be our joy… other than that the werewolf kid has some serious issues.”

Someone mentioned something about a “married couple” being “very concerned about the wedding night and what’s bound to happen,” to which Hardwick suggested that “vampires are dead, so maggots shoot out of their heads, right?” and then went on to suggest perhaps their heads weren’t the only places maggots shot from, adding that he couldn’t say such things at work, because he works with Kristen Stewart’s dad, John Stewart. Benson thanked them and the audience for being there, adding a quick plug for his upcoming Countdown to 4:20 at Cobb’s. Someone mentioned Fifty Shades of Grey, which got me fantasizing that Benson will do that series next at Sketchfest, as the following day’s Part 2 (which sadly none of us Platters made it to) concluded the Twilight Saga, Benson quickly polled the crowd to see if there were any actual twi-hards present, receiving the expected meager applause in response. (Though he did spend the afternoon heckling a woman in a Team Jacob t-shirt, naturally.) For those good-natured lovers of the story, he made “apologies in advance for what’s about to happen…” After explaining that they wouldn’t be able to sit through the credits as per normal due to another show in the venue immediately following the end of the movie, the show began. When Breaking Dawn appeared on the screen, Hardwick was ready: “I don’t understand. Who’s Dawn?”
Stewart’s character, Bella, began talking almost immediately. Benson: “oh, good. She’s talking already.”

When Jacob’s dad wheels out after him running off: “Jacob, your homework! You forgot your homework!” and then picks up his invitation to the big wedding shindig: “jury duty!”
When Bella tries to walk in her heels, we got our first glimpse of Alice’s new short cut. Myrin: “I didn’t know Liza Minelli was in this!” (I totally didn’t notice the resemblance until she said that, but she has a point, and she came back to this several times that afternoon.)
When the girls hug, someone said, “break some dawn tonight!”
“I’m kinda worried this film might be good…”
Bella stands awkwardly in her room, presumably taking in everything one last time before beginning her new life married to a vampire. “Hey, bed. What’s going on?!”
Someone decided to speak for the bed: “you know you can ask me anything!” Edward quickly materializes out of thin air, much to Bella’s delight, and then there’s a montage of flashbacks from his past. Myrin: “I like his lipstick!”
Benson: “He’s the Dexter of vampires!”
Edward’s brothers show up to take him to a “vampire bachelor party,” so the voice of the bed returned: “well, that went well! What do you think they’re gonna do? Where are you gonna hang the picture of your dead dog? Sometimes, when you crawl into bed, I pretend I’m eating you!”

Next came a wedding scene that (spoiler!) turns out to be a nightmare, with a flash of Volturi: “we couldn’t afford a priest.”
“Why is our wedding a metaphor?!” There’s a pile of blood & dead humans. “Banana Republic!”
“It’s just day-of jitters about the wedding cake!”
“I just wanted to check, it’s cool if I wear my nighty to the wedding, right?” This one at one of the vampire sisters being in a slip while the girls get ready the next day.
“Weddings. They bring everyone together!” (“That was the best take?!”)
Bella’s mom cries and someone hands her a tissue: “here, use my panties.”
Bella’s parents give her her first heirloom to “pass on to your daughter” (“in a thousand years!”)
Alice steps back to gaze at her “masterpiece” (“my masterpiece, the dog painting.”)
Whichever vampire oaf is played by Kellan Lutz appears, “oh you know, just doing vampire stuff” and I wondered whether Channing Tatum was unavailable, or unwilling to play that role.
Bella apparently had some drool (?), “oh no, it’s cum.”
Before heading down the stairs and down the aisle, Bella is in a large study surrounded by books. “I’ll spend a little time in the library before I head down. You have a lot of time to read when you’re immortal.” (This from Benson.)
“It’d be amazing if there was a swarm of bees because of all those flowers!”

And then, the wedding itself. “She’s such a blushing bride!”
“Those vampires just race up there! ‘Those fuckers have to walk!”
Hardwick, “is she shitting?”
“Vampire wedding!”
Stewart, clearly, was going for intense love/adoration/infatuation. Sadly, all I can see is that she wants to and/or is about to unhinge her jaw and swallow him whole.
“Jesus Christ, we get it!” (as they continue eye raping each other.)
Does anyone else find it weird that at her wedding they don’t use her full name (Isabella), but opt just to stick to the more casual nickname, Bella?
Myrin: “I do.” (“I think you’re gonna regret that!”)
“Cut to, everyone’s gone already. To beat the traffic…”
Myrin: “This song is my ringtone!”
“Hey they really are all gone!”
“They all just realized what movie they’re in!”
Hardwick: “Is the rest of this movie just this kiss? That was like a three minute ceremony, the kiss was longer!”

At the reception, Jacob’s dad (Harry?) prompted Benson to ask, “when he turns into a werewolf, does he still just it in the chair?”
“Our cousins don’t see daylight, ever!”
Benson: “it’s all a really big misunderstanding that never really gets resolved…”
Lutz’s character asks, “is this thing on?” (“yeah, it’s on, asshole. Hear how your voice is louder?!”)
“Won’t be getting any sleep for a while!” (“You’re getting fucked a lot!”)
Anna Kendrick’s character makes an awkward speech at the reception, and I swear to Buddha the actress is making fun of herself for having agreed to be in these movies in the first place, but maybe that’s just because that’s what I hope is true?
Benson: “What if this went on for forty-five minutes?!”
Edward makes a toast to his bride. “I feel like I can finally begin.” (“FINALLY!”)
“To my beautiful bride…” (“Ugh!”)
Benson: “I told you, it’s a wedding, a honeymoon, and another thing…”
Myrin: “I choreographed this… killin’ it!”
“Now we feed on your family. That’s how this works.”
“Our dancing is about as good as everyone else. It’s mostly just standing.”
Jacob shows up, dressed for a change. “Someone’s got a shirt on!”
“Dog boy, dog boy! That’s the happiest she’s been all day!”
“Sorry I’m late… there was a bone that wasn’t gonna bury itself…”
Bella & Jacob dance, someone makes a boner (“boing!”) sound, “it doesn’t count if you put it in my butt…”
Myrin: “What if your bride did this with her ex boyfriend? This is her first dance!”
“Afraid I’ll trash the party?” (“I will chew on a few things…”)
Myrin: “Where did her husband go?”
“He’s in the corner fucking a mermaid!”
Jacob spins Bella: “not cool, dude. Really, where did her husband go?”
“Is anyone else picturing a lot of moms in their forties masturbating to this?”
“Is anybody seeing it happen in the seat next to you?”
Edward appears. Myrin: “I was just masturbating behind a tree…”
“Why wasn’t this the NFL domestic violence commercial?”

The wolves come and take Jacob away: “now everyone get back to Lou Diamond Phillips camp!”
“Heel, doggie. Heel.”
Bella bids her mother goodbye. “Her mom’s just bummed that she’s gonna outlive her by thousands of years.”
Myrin: “is this the fourth one of these?”
Bella and her dad have a terrible, boohoo-y goodbye with dialogue I’m pretty sure was written by a third-grader. “My last offer for a free mustache ride!”
“On the next ‘creepy dad’…”
“Did I mention your mom’s old?”
“Tell your friends it’s still cool if they wanna come by…”
“Especially that shirtless one!”
Bella & Edward get in the car to leave. Benson: “They’re still a couple where she has to wear a seatbelt. Him, not so much.”
Myrin: “I love that vampires drive Volvos.”
“Is it cool if I change the station? It feels like a car commercial… The new Volvo X series.”
Evidently, they drove to Brazil. Christ the Redeemer appears on the screen. “Please don’t put me in this!”
“Jesus. The world’s first vampire.”
“Or the world’s first zombie.”
The newlyweds kiss, and then get on a boat. “Is this the same night?”
“The new Volvo boat series…”
Myrin: “Clearly, he’s a vampire. There has never been an eighteen-year-old this suave.”
Edward carries Bella across the threshold. Benson “the traditional entry way.”
“I didn’t know you and the family owned a W!”
“What’s wrong with a vampire that likes Pottery Barn?”
“This is where I’m gonna die!”
“Alright. Let’s get to bed fucking.”
Bed voice: “I’m your new bed!”
“Does he carry the luggage for the whole movie?”

Bella tells Edward “I could use a few human minutes.” Everyone, including the comics, just laughs. Myrin: “That’s what we call minutes.”
Edward walks out. Hardwick: “Yeah! Ready for those maggots?!”
Benson: “getting ready to get fucked montage!”
Hardwick, as Bella goes through an intense process of readying herself that she evidently didn’t need to do before her wedding? “What if this was her ritual before swimming all the time?”
Myrin: “how hairy did she get on the plane?!”
“What if these were his clothes?” (Her suitcase-ful of lingerie.)
“Did I not mention that I was blessed with both sets of genitals?”
Myrin: “This is how every girl loses her virginity!”
She finally gets out to him in the water. “Hey, what’s up.”
“Two become one!”
“The next five minutes sponsored by American Apparel…”
“What if his dick has teeth on the end of it?!”
“I always promised my bed if I didn’t lose my virginity there, it would at least be in the ocean.”
Several sounds of moaning and grunts of pain ensued from the panel, and then the next shot is Bella waking up in a broken bed. “You broke the bed!! See, he did that with his hands. Imagine what his dick is doing!”
A music montage over an ocean morning view, and somehow, feathers are still floating around. “Sorry. I got bored and fucked a goose.”
The room is in disarray. Myrin: “Oh God. Shit’s still floating around!”
“And I’m a woman now!”
“Oh, again?” They made sex noises to make up for the uncomfortable silence of the zero-chemistry on-screen couple.
“This whole movie is a thirteen-year-old’s hallmark card!”
Edward asks Bella, “how badly are you hurt?” (Myrin: “did he just say, ‘how badly do you hurt?'”)
Benson: “he just crushed her vagina!”
“Fifty shades of heeeeyyyyy.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure most virgins look like this after the first time.” (Bruises.)
“Is their rental home also an Abercrombie & Fitch?”
“Can they have have, like, a fucking minute without drama?!”
Bella: “you know, I’m sort of pissed off, actually.” (Myrin: “uh oh. I can tell by your change of emotion how angry you are! Did he say he didn’t like fucking her? Is that what he just said?!”
“I’m sorry I crushed your pussy!”
A fart noise. “Oops!”

Suddenly, randomly, the newlyweds are playing chess. “What?”
Benson: “yeah. Get used to it, Bella. If you’re gonna be immortal. We love boring games.”
“I don’t know about you guys, but this music says ‘amazing montage!'”
“They chose chess! Let’s play a game of chess before the waterfall!”
And then, more chess. “Yes!”
Bella crawls into bed in a nighty. Another fart noise.
Edward covers her up. Myrin: “put that away.”
More chess. “I’ve been really looking forward to our third game of chess.”
“And so the symbolism is over!”
“What, bored?”
“Is this still her pre-wedding dream?”
“I keep dreaming about us playing chess.”
“Cause that’d be the worst thing we could do on our honeymoon.”
Another dream. “Does he turn her into a vampire by fucking her, or biting her?”
Benson: “an interesting question. He’s been fucking her while she’s still mortal, and it’s gonna cause some fucked up shit to happen.”

Back home, Charlie: “on the next ‘creepy dad’…”
And then Jacob. “Followed by ‘creepy dog’…”
Jacob gets that he can’t violate the treaty. Hardwick: “Did anyone actually audition for this movie?”
Benson: “we just hire local werewolves.”
The werewolves discuss how ‘imprinting’ works. Myrin: “you’re fun! I gotta go to the bathroom. Tell me what happens, guys.”
Hardwick: “nothing will happen. You could go to the bathroom for an hour and nothing would happen.”
Back on the island, the caretaker couple sees the broken bed. Benson: “these sheets are full of blood!”
In the Castro, someone’s beer hits the ground with a loud “clink!” “Don’t use those cupholders! A gentle reminder from the cast of Twilight.”
Edward left a note that he went hunting. “For pussy!”
“Hey Arden, you missed nothing.”
Bella suddenly has weird cravings. “There are nine babies in the freezer!”
Bella is grossed out by the chicken she was trying to eat, and runs to throw up. Myrin: “anyone would throw up looking at that piece of chicken!”
Hardwick: “you don’t like my maggot sperm?”
Bella: “don’t come in here!” (“I murder people.”)
“We gotta start thinking of shitty baby names!”
“My period’s late? We planned our honeymoon weekend when I was gonna have my period?!”
Myrin: “what a fatty! That’s like me after one burrito!”
“I’m no baby expert, but I don’t think it’d be kicking already.”
“Due date: one week!”
“Can you tell if I’m pregnant over the phone?”
Myrin: “why don’t you use a condom if your husband’s a vampire? You should’ve done that research before…”
There’s a quick sequence of everything being quickly packed until the final zip indicating they’re ready to return stateside. “She’s just standing there that whole time.”
Myrin: “I hope a bat just flies out of her cooch.”
Benson: “It’s a little better than that.”
“Hey, Kristen? We need this movie to be longer. Could you stall? Try some slow acting. Spray some slow-acting Tinactin all over the scene.”

And they’re back. “What did you do with her?” (“What do you think?”)
“It turns out it’s not possible to give birth to an immortal’s baby without dying yourself. Sorry!”
Kirshen: “After this can we get some more towels?”
A woman touches Bella’s stomach. Myrin: “just like my gynecologist!”
“I’m not gonna let her hurt you.” (Myrin: “Not gonna let her hurt you? You’re the one killing her with your dick!”)
Benson: “Hold it, hooooooollllld it! Remember, you’re making big expressions for two now!”
“Most fun honeymoon ever!”
Bella holds a phone. “Siri? Am I pregnant?”
Bella is home, but ‘caught a bug’ and will wait till she feels better to see her loved ones again. “She sounds like maybe she has a demon baby inside her?”
“Let it go.” (Hardwick: “let it go!” Think Frozen.)
Myrin: “that’s a really pretty shade of Easter egg yellow hair Peter Facinelli is wearing.”
“Doesn’t a vampire have to invite you in?”
A shot of disgustingly thin dying/pregnant Bella. “Hey.”
Myrin: “she’s a glowing bride!”
“Are you gonna tell me what’s wrong with you?” (“I got fucked by a demon!”)
She has a huge belly. “Oh my god, it’s hairy!”
“Talk about overnight delivery!”
“You did this!” (“Duh!”)
“We didn’t gather to find suspects.”
“I’m gonna have this demon!”
Myrin: “he’s acting so hard right now. He’s acting his hardest.”
“Maybe you could unpregnate her.”
“I know what I’ll do: I’ll make you a little wolf baby and they can fight there in the womb!”
Myrin: “When does a wolf say ‘BFF?'”
“The perfect time for a casual conversation.”
“So you got a little demon in ya!”
“Scratch my belly?”
Myrin: “I hope they name the baby Gary.”
“I hope they name it Dracula!”

A wolf montage. “Who let the dogs out?”
Myrin: “Sounds like a video reproduction of the inside of Randy Quaid’s brain.”
“Snausages, snausages, snausages!”
Jacob’s wolf form. “It’s so fake – his mouth doesn’t even move!”
The wolves think with their minds at a wolf convention. “Who the fuck is talking?”
“Wolves and ventriloquists mated!”
The alpha wolf tries to force Jacob into submission, but he resists and flees the pack. “Is your dog getting enough protein?”
Leah shows up to talk to Jacob. “I just thought I’d bring you an extra shirt. I know you’ve been angry a lot lately.”
“Are you really ready to fight your own brothers?” (“she’s a dog anyway.”)
A wolf growls. “I can haz cheezburger!”
“Whatcha doin’? Just river watching?”
“Yeah. It’s a rerun tonight.”
“I love this one.”

“You hate them too much.” (Myrin: “hate is a strong word!”)
“Being unwanted isn’t exactly a new thing for me. (“Awww.”)
“Why are we getting so deep into this character all of the sudden?”
“So much more interesting than a demon baby!”
Myrin: “How do they even do a chemistry read to audition for this? ‘Just stand next to a tree and say things out loud.'”
Everyone watches Bella sleep. Another beer bottle crashes to the floor in the Castro. Benson: “if that sound happened when the baby fell out…”
Myrin: “if it’s on the internet, it must be true…”

There’s a special doctor’s office in the Cullen house. “He’s a doctor. He has a whole set up at his house. He does house calls at home.”
“So, wait. In five movies they only fucked once?”
Benson: “we need to lock you in a cage and have you fight with your own baby.”
Myrin: “Spoiler alert: you lose!”
“Thank god Carlisle has this medical room!”
Bella: “I can’t live without you.” (“Sorry. You have to.”)
Edward yells. “Acting!!”
Myrin: “That’s manipulative. He’s blaming her! Leave him, girl. Spread your legs in this gynecology chair.”
“You know what I like about our house? None of it’s sterile.”
Naked, creepy, dying, pregnant Bella. Cut to the other vampires watching football. “Vampires watch football?”
“What game was that?”
Kirshen: “It was American football.”
“Thanks, man.”

“I’m so glad you’re here, Jake.” (Myrin: “your husband’s right there!”)
Bella tries to throw up; they hand her a bucket. “Here. Put the baby in this bucket.”
Jacob smiles. Myrin: “I enjoy humor!”
“What we need to do is put a tinier baby in there for it to feed on! On the next ‘vampire think tank:’ Garlic douche!”
Benson: “That’s what everyone calls that guy!”
Bella: “I’ll try anything.” (Kirshen: “Anything?”)
They put blood in a styrofoam cup with a straw and hand it to Bella. “I put a protein boost in it for you.”
“Now remember: it won’t work if we all don’t stare at her uncomfortably.”
“Cut to the baby doing the number from Flashdance with all the blood coming down…”
Benson: “Slow down, slow down… This isn’t bottomless! We’re not at Applebee’s!”
Bella talks to Charlie on the phone. “I have a tear on my chin.”
“You want me to visualize?” (Myrin: “I’ll be masturbating to that thought all day!”)
“People say the first year’s the hardest.”
“The first week is really the toughest.”
Edward reads the baby’s mind. “Good. Pure, like you.” (Benson: “and with a vagina!”)
Hardwick: “What if she has it and it’s a puppy?! He’s like, what the fuck?”
“Your tits are huge, too.”
Jacob walks into the Cullen house. “Why doesn’t this place have a doggy door he can go into?”
Myrin: “If they’re so afraid of wolves, why do they leave the front door open?”

Jacob: “I know what I have to do.” (Myrin: “take my shirt off!”)
There’s a boring scene with the wolves, and I, like Arden Myrin, didn’t pay much attention: “I just spaced out. What happened?”
A now tiny, disgustingly skeletal Bella. “Tell Jacob what you’ve decided.” (“I wanna cut my hair.”)
“We’ve decided to call it fetus!”
Renesmee. Myrin: “You know what? Some baby in America is now called that!”
“Is it too weird?” (Myrin: Yeah. You know what? It is!”)
“Now are you gonna go S, or Z, in the middle there?”
“Here, have some blood styrofoam juice!”
Bella’s labor/death begins. “Oh my god, her blood broke!”
Placenta must have detached. Myrin: “It’s walking around!”
When Bella’s belly is cut into fairly graphically, everyone howls in disugst. (Not like wolves.)
Hardwick: “I want my baby back, baby back, baby back…”
Myrin: “I feel like I’m tripping my ass off!”
“How’s House gonna solve this one?!”
“Is this the birthing video they show…?”
Benson: “That’s right. Her husband is biting her open.”
“That’s like an eight month old.”
Myrin: “I don’t think I’m gonna have a kid, you guys.”
“She’s laying there with her whole stomach torn open.”
“Yeah! Why don’t we maybe focus?”
Hardwick: “Barbecue sauce!”
“Hold it… I didn’t say cut…”
Bella starts dying. The Nikki Reed vampire takes the baby. Myrin: “I just like to lick all the blood off.”
Benson: “PG-13, you guys! This movie’s for kids! You gotta be thirteen according to the law.”
Myrin: “That’s so fucked up!”
“I don’t mind this scene, but I don’t wanna tell my kids why two men can’t get married!”

Bella is dead. Benson: “she’s been dead for a while.”
“Come on, champ. There must be something else you can do!” Edward starts biting her, all over. The Castro theatre exploded with grossed out howls of horror.
A shot shows vampire ‘venom’ propelling itself through Bella’s dead (but apparently still circulating, magically) veins. Myrin: “Ew, ew, what is happening? The miracle of birth!”
Benson: “I changed my mind, I hate your baby, you guys.” (Jacob.)
The wolves are mad that Bella was ‘killed.’ Hardwick: “Regulators, mount up!”
Jacob lays eyes on the newborn baby. Benson: “Well, I’ve got some interesting news…”
The baby has the creepiest CGI face in the history of ever. “What the fuck?!”
“Best acting in the movie!”
Myrin: “That was really good baby acting!”
Benson explained to those unfamiliar with the wretched ‘story’ that Jacob has imprinted on the newborn.
Myrin: “Are you serious?” She was. She thought he was messing with her.
Benson: “This is a true story, too, guys. See, it’s not that weird when priests do it!”

The vampires go out to meet with the wolves. Edward: “I won’t let them hurt my family!” (Benson: “I will not let them hurt my dead wife!”)
No one says much during the fight, on screen or in the theatre.
“Look at those computers fighting!”
“Stop. It’s over!” (Myrin: “Whooooooaaaa.”)
Hardwick sings Katy Perry’s “Roar.”
They can’t hurt her. Whoever a wolf imprints on can’t be hurt by other wolves.
Myrin: “I can’t get over that that is for real. I’m gonna jerk off to this memory for years!”
“You know I’m gonna fuck your daughter in like a week when she’s eighteen!”
Corpse Bella. “I’m gonna put you in a nice Anne Taylor work dress. You can be a secretary in the afterlife.”
Benson: “Kristen Stewart can do an AIDS movie after this movie. Forks Buyers Club!”
“And for a second, all my dreams were real.”
More shots of ‘venom’ rushing through Bella’s dead but still circulating veins. Her spine magically fuses itself back into place, graphically. “It was nice of him to put mascara on his dead bride!”
A flashback montage from previous footage. “I love it when you get to see images of the movie you’re already watching.”
“Oh, no, we’re seeing stuff from all the movies.”
Myrin: “Oh my god. I can’t believe my dad has seen all of these!!”
Alice foresees the sound of a heartbeat. Myrin: “What is it, Liza?”
Benson: “Is this a good place to pose?”
A funeral. “Sorry I fucked you to death?”
“Is her skin naturally giving her eyeshadow?”
Bella wakes with red vampire eyes. “Whoa! She’s a vampire!”
Myrin: “I’m gonna go imprint on a hot baby!”
Benson: “I wish tomorrow was right now.” (Because he interrupted Part 2 the following day.)
Myrin: “I wanna extend my ticket and stay!” (So did I, and I tried. No luck.)
Someone booed Taylor Lautner when his name flashed on the screen, and someone belched into his microphone.
The credits stop, and there’s a little teaser. “Out takes! Bloopers!”
Myrin: “Yeah, girl!”
Volturi. Oh, Michael Sheen, how the mighty have fallen. Then again, he’s laughing all the way to the bank, so…
Hardwick: “Is this The Voice?”
Benson: “They all turned their chairs around for her…”

And just as quickly as the strange scene appeared, it’s gone, and so is the movie. This was, hands down, the best Interruption experience I’ve yet had, and the previous two were awesome. It turns out, though, that I agree with Doug Benson. This is the grossest thing I’ve seen in a movie in a long time, and the imprinting thing is seriously perverse. I love to loathe the Twilight series, and I’m seriously gonna miss attending this little brief ritual annual convention for stoned haters. But like I said, I can always hope he’ll move on to published fan fiction (read: Fifty Shades of Crap) next. Until then…

Stacy Scales

California native. Therapist. Word nerd. Music lover. Linguaphile. Amateur foodie. Basketball junkie. Travel enthusiast.

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