I have a hard time believing that there is a soul alive that isn’t aware of Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction. If you don’t know about it, it’s an amazing show where comedians compete by telling titillating erotic tales based on pre-existing works. It is also the great equalizer, where big name comedians compete alongside up and comers, and anyone can win. Tonight’s performance was no exception, as we were treated with stories told by stars of stage and screen Harland Williams, Matt Braunger, Dave Hill, and Erin Foley alongside lesser known comics Jesse Elias, TJ Chambers, Andy Haynes, Barbara Holm, Matt Lieb, and JoAnne Schinderle.
The live show is divided into two parts: prepared pieces and audience suggestions. As suggestions were collected, host Brian Cook treated the crowd to a quick piece called “A GOOP Guide To Sex.” GOOP, of course, is Gwyneth Paltrow’s online newsletter that functions as a “lifestyle” guide. Cook hit all the right marks of farce, discussing proper ways to experience pure sexual joy in the trademark fanciful style of Ms Paltrow.
Our first round was filled with stories of inspiration… Matt Lieb reported on a TedTalk with Elon Musk, of Tesla Motors and PayPal fame. JoAnn Schinderle recasted the children’s book Love You Forever by Robert Munsch as a disturbing tale of rape and incest. TJ Chambers treated us with a lovely tale where Decemberist’s leader Colin Meloy gets turned on by all things fanciful and vintage. Erin Foley brought Nancy Drew into this modern age as a grown up detective with an exceptional libido. And Barbara Holm, in true Fan Fiction style, allowed many wrong things happen to the Firefly universe. Now, usually I find myself in agreement with the crowds, but tonight, I disagreed sharply with the winner. They absolutely adored Lieb’s take on Elon Musk, but I found it to be a bit meandering. In reality, Schinderle should have won. Her piece was the most succinct and clever. However, it was really, really graphic. And violent. She definitely made more than a few folks a bit uncomfortable. Which, in my mind, makes for a great piece of work.
That being said, if people were made uncomfortable by Schinderle’s work of genius, then the second round was really not for them. Right off the bat, Harland Williams came out with a tale of eroticism inspired by the Tienanmen Square massacre. And this was possibly the LEAST offensive piece. Williams, of course, is a true professional and a comedy icon, and handled the piece with aplomb. Matt Braunger was stuck with Despicable Me, and turned it into the story of a man that is turned on by plastic Halloween costumes. Dave Hill took his trademark dry wit to speak of a threesome that two women enjoyed with serial killer H.H. Holmes. Jesse Elias got The Shining. And Andy Haines slayed it with Kim Jung Un. In case you were wondering, yes: he did fuck a few corpses.
As any good sports reporter does, I will give you the final score. Hill, by a very close margin, won the second round with H.H. Holmes. A well deserved win by a comedy great. Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction is also available as a podcast. I listen to it weekly, and you should to. You can find it here!