New Release Round Up for 12/8-12/15 – 50 Instant Album Reviews

by Pouria Yazdi on December 19, 2009

They don't look much like hippies to me, either.

Pouria took advantage of my being away, and saved up 50 albums over two weeks of the lowest profile albums in the entire world (with a few exceptions). That means you get FIFTY album reviews in ONE column! Who else can provide you such value? Read on!

The State Vs. Radric Davis by Gucci Mane –Like his life is hard and stuff. The album’s only good track is the third track. Some straight up horror-themed beats, I like myself a good horror flick. But the rest is really repetitive and boring.

Shock Value II by Timbaland – I guess what’s shocking about this is that it’s a relationship album.

Graffiti by Chris Brown – This album has no unique features. Chris Brown shrieks at times and makes party music at others. It is an album that will fade within a week or so.

This Is War by 30 Seconds To Mars – Dude sounds like Bono, band isn’t as good as U2.

Malice ‘N Wonderland by Snoop Dogg – The guest spots make this album awesome, it’s almost as if Snoop is a guest on his own album. Pretty much really cool.

Smile Kid by We The Kings – Umm, do you like want to go the spring formal with me? Then we could totally dance to all these songs and be in love forever.

Alpinisms by School of Seven Bells – Remember that chick that you used to love? The one hippy chick who just loved life and enamored you so? Well this is her soundtrack. This is what played in your head when you thought about her.

Tell Me Your Name by Thriving Ivory – Perfect for the guy who has ever had one girlfriend in his life. Or perfect for the guy who has fallen in love with every single girl he’s kissed. This type of guy would be really lame to hang out with.

Blakroc by Blakroc – I mean with the lineup of guests you’d expect cool. It is.

No Way Down by Air France – I don’t get it.

O Foolish Pride by Ghosty – If you’re slightly-not-with-it guitar teacher did an album it would sound like this. Not the teacher from Walnut Creek but the one from Santa Cruz.

Chronological Disorder by Narcoleptic Youth – Punk. Quick lyrics. Like the name of the band.

Cocaine by Z-Ro – What is going on with hip-hop? This is a fucking great album. I don’t know, maybe I am realizing how cool I am and thus I like hip-hop.

Too Hood 2 Be Hollywood by B.G. – He’s about to fuck the game up. Not sure how but maybe by putting this album out? No where near as good as Z-ro’s.

You Are Underwater by The Main Drag – I dig how completely insane some of these songs are. They go just like head-shaking insanity. It’s cool.

Animal by AutoKratz – If the first track doesn’t get you into the mood of hanging out and dancing your pants off, well, then you have no dancing spirit inside of you.

Under The Covers by Runner Runner – It’s covers, get it? I’m gonna go listen to the originals.

Cut The Cord by nonpoint – Well, there are guitars, vocals, drums, bass, and boringness.

The Haunted EP by The Bay State – It’s a pop EP. They sound sad.

Man From Earth by Jori Hulkkonen – It sounds good or whatever. I just can’t really get behind it. Too ambient for me to care.

Mutant Message by By Divine Right – Oh man, they have a fucking wolf on their cover. Wolves are so HIP. Wait or is it a fox? Or wait, is it an owl? Music is like not so hot.

We Still Gawn Move EP by ILAD – A lot of psychedelic- squawk box noise.

The Orchard by Fire On Fire – Let’s have the whole band sing at once and have it sound good. Let’s call ourselves Fire on Fire.

Equestrienne by Neotropic – Like a new agey album. Not sure where the music comes in though.

Don’t Wait for the Rescue Squad by The Ascetic Junkies – Really pretty music to listen to. Duo of male and female vocals are always popular with me. This duo is singing upbeat and lighthearted jams. If you’re carefree please have a go.

Seeds to Be Planted, Trees to Be Cut by The Parade Schedule – This guys like David Bazan crossed with Blaze Foley. That means he’s cool as fuck.

Girls Le Disko by Shiny Toy Guns – The songs almost make me want to dance my pants off, but don’t push me to that status. A little bit of a let down.

The Element Of Freedom by Alicia Keys – Subdued and laid back. Kind has a sweeping momentum to it, like it’s trying to hit some inspirational mark. Bah.

Wu Music Group Presents Links to Poetry by Ghostface Killah, Raekwon – You know how most things with Wu in front of it are good?

Traveling Circus by Phil Vassar – God, awful.

All Systems Go 2 by Rocket From The Crypt – I don’t know. Boring. Scratchy-voiced vocals and I don’t know.

The Shape Of Things That Hum by DJ Food – Got some worldly beats going. This would be epic whilst playing Dr.Mario on the NES.

Cooler Than Me EP by Mike Posner – Well he talks about his drug dealer girl complete with all kinds of metaphors.

Juke Kartel by Juke Kartel – Feels like emo crotch rock. Feels like I’m going to the next album.

Lone Cowboy by Michael Martin Murphey – This is from his website, “While others sang about the urban street life and hip discos, Murphey was singing about the stark beauty of the ‘dark, flat land’ of Nebraska.” I think that sums up the album justly.

Fire The Lazers!!! by EOTO – I really like how this album starts off. Do you like robots, their noises, and space monsters? Then get this cool album.

The End by Mouthful Of Bees – I can already tell I’m gonna like this band. I do, but some of the songs get to garagey and weird. Other times I love how garage and weird it is.

The Pretender by We All Have Hooks For Hands – Hard to describe this music. Like a bunch of friends got together and decided to sing the same songs with really low quality and hip instruments. But I don’t want that to sound bad, because it’s good.

Lure The Fox by Haley Bonar – Pretty sad sounding stuff from such a good looking girl. Do you like to sit in the tub and contemplate about all the wrongs that have either been committed or committed by you? You will like this album.

Good Boys Don’t Make Noise by One For the Team – Really catchy hooks in here. Though all the songs have pretty much the same poppy exuberance.

Damn Rough Night by Artist Vs Poet – Nope. 12 year old girls listen to this for sure.

All Night Sun Light by Infusion – Whoa another really bad album.

King James, Crown Royal and a Colt 45 by Miss Derringer – Vintage tunes. Starts off a little slow but then gets uptempo around track 4. Got a country, 50’s pop, punky vibe.

Water In The Ground by Catherine Maclellan – Easily a really good album. They’d play this in fabric stores frequented by grandmas and they play it in a chilled-out-hip spot while you drink a fancy mixed drink.

The Pre-Game – EP by Statik Selektah – Surprisingly unbad. Some of the songs are even good. If I were to judge this CD by the cover, and I did, I would think that this would be lame. It is not.

Desafiando La Gravedad by Chenoa – The thing with Latin pop is that I can’t tell if it’s good or not. I can just go with my gut. The chick sounds a little masculine, and it’s a very formulaic production. What does that mean in the end? I have no idea.

Amores by Tamara – Again it’s Latin. May as well be a Korean pop song to me.

Spatio Temporel EP by Debruit – How am I not gonna like an album that has a track called Persian Funk? I’m not gonna not like it. I like it.

17 Hippies Play Sexy Ambient Hippies by 17 Hippies – If there is one thing I hate is hippies. Dirty fingernails are the worst. I thought I was going to hate this album. I do not. I actually really like it. You see they’re European, so it’s okay. They don’t know what an actual hippy is, and after doing a bit of research they have different incarnations. When they play as the sexy ambient hippies it’s mixed with electronic music and thus it’s really good. I would buy this even though it’s on a label called Hipster Records.

Gambling Days Are Over by Compulsive Gamblers – Don’t know if it’s the original members or not. It’s raw and at times mediocre but I still rock my head and body around because I like how live it is.

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