Spinning Platters Picks Six: Bands I’d Never Heard Of Until Lunch Today

by Gordon Elgart on October 13, 2009

Some designer needs to be fired right now.  Or given a raise.  I can't decide.

Some designer needs to be fired right now. Or given a raise. I can't decide.

Today I went to Target to buy some stuff, and as I do when I go to Target, I went to the CD section just to have a look around. I thought perhaps I would buy the new album by The Temper Trap, for Target was sure to have that.  Well, they didn’t.  As you might already know, these big department stores carry a tiny selection of the available CDs on the market, so unless you’re an established name, it’s hard to get in there.  Then I noticed something odd.  There were a bunch of featured artists that I had never heard of. How do they get into Target?  I jotted down the names of six of these artists, and decided to see if I’ve been missing the boat on them.  Enjoy six artists that I had never heard of until lunch today.

Mitchel Musso – Ah. He’s on Hannah Montana.  I guess that means this column belongs in Sing It Hasselhoff. I don’t even have to push play to know what this is going to sound like. This is a great example of auto-tune being used for its intended purpose.  This is like Fall Out Boy without teeth.  The Disney connection does explain its presence here, though.  Apparently, he’s hawt. Or dreamy.  Or whatever the kids say these days.

This Providence – This is on Fueled By Ramen, so I thought maybe it would be like Fall Out Boy with teeth, but instead it is like Fall Out Boy without teeth or fingernails.  You can’t get more boring and generic than this.  There’s no picture of them on their Wikipedia page, but I bet they are cute boys.  There’s nothing else that could explain their record deal.  Any four people with instruments could write and play this.  I’m gonna write a better song than these on BART tonight, and I don’t even know how to play guitar.

Brooke Hogan – Oh, you’re kidding.  This is Hulk Hogan’s daughter?  And she was on a reality show?  Music nerds like me don’t watch much TV. We wear it like a nerdy badge of honor, and it might even come across a bit pompous.  But if television shows spawn albums such as this, I’ll take pomposity any day. This could be the new Britney Spears for all the auto-tune, purring and uninspired beats.

Framing Hanley – This CD had a big sticker on it announcing that it contains the megahit “LOLLIPOP” on it.  Isn’t that Lil’ Wayne?  Oh, their song got to #82 on the Hot 100 and to #22 on the Modern Rock chart.  I guess that qualified as a megahit in today’s world. I’m going to jump right to that song and see for myself.  Nope, I’ve never heard this before. I mean, I’ve heard Lil’ Wayne’s version; that song is a mega-hit.  This is a bad cover.  Beware of any band whose first hit is a cover song.  It’s a recipe for disaster.  It means they don’t have any decent material of their own.

Halestorm – They wanted to let you know that this was the debut album by Halestorm.  You don’t say! The first song on the album is called “It’s Not You,” but every time the lead singer sings that line, she sings “tits not you” instead.  It’s oddly entertaining.  Every once in a while, some label rep gets excited about a hard rock band with a female lead singer and tries to get them to hit.  Meanwhile, they just sound like a lame Heart, Kelly Clarkson or Lacuna Coil ripoff (first time those three got in one sentence, I’m sure).  Why, when there are so many good female-fronted bands, do the boring ones get to be on major labels?  Maybe it’s the phenomenal album cover.

Rehab – This album says it features something called “The Bartender Song.” It doesn’t say that it’s southern rap rock. The lyrics on this record tend toward the terrible, but I don’t think their fanbase cares or knows this.  The beats aren’t actually that bad, and I can say that this is pretty easy to listen to if I don’t pay too much attention to what they’re saying.  (Of course, of all the music nerds in the world, I’m the one who likes Linkin Park, so you’re really going to need to take my opinion with a grain of salt on this one.)  I’m imaging this as faint praise, but of all the acts of the six I listened to after lunch today, this is the one that I could see having a decent career ahead of them.  They seem to fit into that Kid Rock or Sublime kick-back-and-drink vibe that will never go out of style.  If the label asked me to go see Rehab, I wouldn’t say “no no no.”

Gordon Elgart

A music nerd who probably uses that term too much. I have a deep love for bombastic, quirky and dynamic music.

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Vanessa October 13, 2009 at 2:26 pm

Mitchel Musso was even mentioned in a previous article here, duh!

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Gordon Elgart October 13, 2009 at 2:29 pm

You think I read everything on this site? Oh wait, I do. Looking ….

He was in a listings column! There's lots of people in those columns I won't remember in five weeks. 😎

Reply

Ben October 13, 2009 at 7:03 pm

It's like you're channeling your co-blogger Pouria on this one (in a good way). Nicely done!

Reply

Marie Carney October 13, 2009 at 7:26 pm

lol that you didn't know about Brooke Hogan.
I thought you might have known Mitchell Musso from your Disney Channel “research” on the plane, or Vanessa and I joking around about going to the show… but maybe you weren't there.

Why all the Fall Out Boy name dropping?
And I always look at the up and coming artists display at Target to make sure I'm not completely out of the loop. And it's funny to see how many artist's third or fourth album is on there.

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Gordon Elgart October 13, 2009 at 11:56 pm

Yeah, the name completely escaped me, but when I looked him up, it made sense.

The Fall Out Boy name dropping just fit the sound of the first album and the label of the second.

These weren't even in the up-and-coming artists section. These were just in the regular section with little feature cards.

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Caroline October 15, 2009 at 11:16 am

There's nothing wrong with enjoying a little t.v here and there. Especially the premium stuff!

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